All in.

Having had a revelation and a realisation of what joy really is, I've decided I'm all in. I'm completely committed to Jesus, and will in all ways submit to him. I ask for forgiveness for the things I have done, and I am letting God take control of things in my life. He's really tried teaching me patience and I think I'm slowly but surely getting it. I put my phone on house arrest for a day a couple of weeks ago, I might do the same again soon. Everything which draws me away from God needs to go. I'm making a commitment. 

A fresh start

August is drawing to a close, in the next hour or so actually, and I find myself growing up an awful lot. I'm fine with that. I love to spend time with the people who love me, and who inspire me to be a better person; to be the person I was created to be. It used to be that I spent time with the people who made me forget about all of the stuff I was hating on until another time when I'd explode, and it would be ugly. I feel like since I turned 23, I've changed so much for the better that all the hurt I felt before about stuff has just been pushed out. It's gone. 

Now for another year to begin, I'll be 24 next week and I'm so ready to see how much more I can grow. 

Sometimes, I pray.

Sometimes I get so angry I can't even cope with it. It's such a strong emotion inside of me that I either hold it in until later or let it out in a way that is probably unhealthy. This usually means hitting something or shouting at someone I love, or worse building up a hatred for someone and not telling them about it. It pains me inside, it physically hurts me, and so sometimes I have to let the pain out, either onto someone else (emotionally) or onto myself. 

So I pray.

Sometimes, there's a wall inside of me that stops me from doing the things that I love to do, and it takes a hold of me. It takes me to a dark place where I don't want to be, a dark place from my past. A dark place before I changed. 

So I pray.

Sometimes, I just don't really eat for a day or two, because I'm not hungry. I get so angry at myself for not being hungry that I get upset. Then I can't eat. 

So I pray.

Sometimes I take my feelings out on the people I love, and only afterwards I feel like I've hurt them and pained them. 

So I pray.

Sometimes everything is awesome.

Sometimes everything is beautiful.

Sometimes my joy is untouchable. 

Sometimes my happiness is glorious.

So I pray.

A busy week

So I have had a busy week. Incredibly busy in fact. 

Last week I moved out of my mum's house, and I thought that would be as busy as it got. Turns out not so much. I got a job interview for the Wednesday, and as soon as I woke up, I was feeling pretty sure I did NOT want to go to it. I went, because I thought I should. I walked up the drive and immediately felt bad about the whole place. I rang the doorbell and was left outside for 10 minutes while they found the manager. Then I was left alone to fill in an application. Long story short I left the place feeling confident they would give me the job. 

Which on the Friday, they did. However I told them I would need time to make a decision. And I thought that would be the biggest decision I'd have to make. This week at least. 

But, I was wrong. One of my best friends dropped a pretty large bombshell on me, and all I can do now is pray. Pray until God gives me a clear message as to his plans. Which I hope he does, because, honestly, this is a total mindfuck.